May the Rat of 2020 be kind to us

I am thankful that I am alive making through to 2020 and entering the year of the Rat.  In my heart, however, I wish I was dead but that is the devil talking.  I do believe I have to be strong and carry on as the mother of our family.

2019 was cruel to us.  We were just ordinary happy people living in our warm comfortable homes with the people we love until 29 October 2019 happened.  We could never imagine that our family was torn apart so quickly in a short span of 6 weeks (mid-Sept to 29 Oct 2019).

On 22 Aug 2019, my pet dog Toby suddenly passed away from hemangiosarcoma.  It was heartbreaking for me.  He died two days after his 10th birthday.  I lost my buddy.  I grieved so much for Toby but when Bom got sick, my grief for Toby turned into my care for Bom.

No one knew that Bom was sick.  She was made to resign from her job.   How could someone so capable and productive suddenly became so lacking?  From then on, she deteriorated from someone so creative, intelligent and caring to become just a shell.  At that time, we did not know that my grief for my pet dog could turn into my grief for our beloved daughter in a space of two months.  2019 was indeed cruel to us.

On 29 Oct 2019, my precious daughter Judith aka Bom was taken away from us so quickly and suddenly by the deadly Grade IV Glioblastoma.

Everyone in our family grieved and grief indeed is the most painful feeling anyone can experience.  Although it is not physical pain, it is like your body inside out is cut and broken and bleeding everywhere and your heart is broken into pieces.  You live each day like that because a broken heart still beats.

It is so hard for me personally because her dad (I cannot speak on how he grieve) and myself were present when she just suddenly died on us!  Literally, it was unexpected and a whole group of doctors not knowing what to do as she was no longer in specialist care but in a standard ward ‘while waiting for treatment’.

This blog is not to look back at how she died and all the sadness around it.  It is just in fact a journal for me to pen my feelings and perhaps in the midst of doing that, I can slowly get over the pain and start living again.

So we are now in the year of the Rat but there was no celebration for me this year.  Without Bom, there was no Christmas, there was no new year 2020 and there was no celebration for the year of the Rat.  I lost my Dragon (Bom was a dragon 1988).

This post is from a grieving mother who lost her child.  My two other children are both grieving in their own ways.  Her father as a man does not speak out freely but I know his heart is as broken as mine.

I do not know what 2020 holds for us but I can only hope that it can be a year of healing for my family.  We may need many more years but as long as there are no new traumas we can cope and grief with hope.  At this time of grief, we are sort of alienating and withdrawn from each other but I know that blood is thicker than water and we care for each other, even though unspoken.

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