20 days without Tob

Toby my pet dog was my everything. He was my life, someone who was totally dependent on me and greeted me with a toy in his mouth to welcome me home every time all these years. My house used to be full of scattered toys in the living room, hallway, beds and garden (like a home with young children) only that those toys were my pet dog’s. He was my baby.

I am living in denial that Tob had gone. His final moments with me (which will be shared in a separate post) replay in my head every now and then and I would come to the reality that Tob was gone. I felt alone and I cried in pain but I know that no amount of crying can bring my Tob back. As I had mentioned, in my grieving process, I kept Tob’s old belongings (toys, cushion, color, carseat) into a ‘ham bag’ that became my ‘Toby’ (or more a pillow) that I talked to and that I cuddled, massaged as Toby every day and night.

We gave all (or most) of Tob’s things to the local SPCA but we had forgotten his small packet of dry food. I continue to feed him his breakfast, dinner and treats every now and then and of course the birds ate them. The consolation is that I have a ‘ham bag’ to talk to and cuddle at night and a beautiful resting place for Tob in our garden which is now becoming a nice little garden.

I am praying for strength to accept that Toby is gone.

Forever loved, always missed and remembered.

The deadly diagnosis

His name was Toby.

He was my life, my friend, my companion, my pet dog, my everything.

We did everything together, from going on walks, car rides, begging quietly for crumbs at our mealtime (even though he just got fed), sun-bathing and sharing one bed, tucked under the same duvet.

Toby was drastically taken from me 14 days after being diagnosed with Hemangiosarcoma, an aggressive cancer in dogs. I did not know this word and until today, I still do not know how to get the syllabus right.

Hemangiosarcoma is an aggressive type of cancer that can affect organs where blood vessels are present. Toby had a massive tumour in his heart that caused internal bleeding to his kidneys and abdomen. The vet suggested euthanization.

This blog is about celebrating Toby’s life as well as registering each and every day he was alive from the day he was diagnosed.

I grieved hugely and it took me three days after his death to get this framework out in writing. I am grieving so painfully that no words can describe. I can only say that Toby’s death is like my heart had been ripped out and fluttering to jump back into my body as my life goes on.

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