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20 days without Tob

Toby my pet dog was my everything. He was my life, someone who was totally dependent on me and greeted me with a toy in his mouth to welcome me home every time all these years. My house used to be full of scattered toys in the living room, hallway, beds and garden (like a home with young children) only that those toys were my pet dog’s. He was my baby.

I am living in denial that Tob had gone. His final moments with me (which will be shared in a separate post) replay in my head every now and then and I would come to the reality that Tob was gone. I felt alone and I cried in pain but I know that no amount of crying can bring my Tob back. As I had mentioned, in my grieving process, I kept Tob’s old belongings (toys, cushion, color, carseat) into a ‘ham bag’ that became my ‘Toby’ (or more a pillow) that I talked to and that I cuddled, massaged as Toby every day and night.

We gave all (or most) of Tob’s things to the local SPCA but we had forgotten his small packet of dry food. I continue to feed him his breakfast, dinner and treats every now and then and of course the birds ate them. The consolation is that I have a ‘ham bag’ to talk to and cuddle at night and a beautiful resting place for Tob in our garden which is now becoming a nice little garden.

I am praying for strength to accept that Toby is gone.

Forever loved, always missed and remembered.

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