August 1988 vs August 2020

AUGUST is month eight
8 regarded as the luckiest number in Chinese culture
1988 our baby Bom was to be born
that year of the golden dragon.

12 August 1988 was 3 days before her EDD
Intense pain and continuous pushing almost in vain
An exhausted mummy with oxygen to aid
Finally 1.30pm, Judith Yolanda Ngeaw Hui-Hui was born.

31 happy years
Bom was my second child
My closest, a child I spent the most time babysitting
Taro Fresh Cream Chiffon, our favorite cake.

12 August 2020
My baby would have turned 32
Instead, she will always be our 31-year-old baby forever
August my favorite month became my most painful month.

Today
That physical pain of childbirth was nothing compared to losing a child.  Struggling with complicated grief is something I have to live with for life.  Mentally telling myself to ‘grow my heart’ and make it bigger and bigger each day to fill my love and grief because grief is just love with no place to go.

Grief lasts as long as love lasts which is often forever.  Painfully but patiently, I am waiting for Bom to hold out her hand to me and bring me over to her side so we can be together in a safe haven where there is no pain, no sorrow, no parting, and no death.

Nevetheless, I am mummy to three children, Joanne, Judith and Joel.  Nothing will ever take that away from me.

 

Taro Cake
We brought orchids and daffodills from her EE.  A lovely pink Swan watering can.  A Taro Cake from Navi. Your gesture touched my heart. Thank you.
Jo's cake
Your sister Jo must be the first to visit. We saw Jo’s message to you written on the cake box and the cakes she got for you.

 

Isolation has stripped me ‘open’

Flashback, 2019 was a disastrous year for me and my family and all loved ones.

Then came  2020, a new year, new beginnings. I blogged about 2020 the year of the Rat hoping to make a start towards healing, living and be at peace again.  Our grief and the missing of those we loved will last forever.  Time does not lessen grief.  There will be days where you may just be having a passing thought while other times the minute you opened your eyes, the realization that she will never come back brought tears, agony, and sorrow and made you withdrawn and that could last for days.

The ups and downs of grief are like swimmers swimming with the tides.  At times, the incoming tide may flow calmly.  At other times, it gushes in at you with full force.

Imagine you are having a dip or a swim at the beach and the incoming tide, calmly coming in.  These calm days are when we could think of our beloved daughter, Bom with sweetness and reminiscence the times we shared and forever thankful she was born our daughter.

Contrary to this, the rough sea and incoming tides just keep pushing you out of proportion and you lose your balance in the water.   You need to be calm not to panic but relax lying down in a backstroke position or stay still and keep your head above the waves. The moment you open your mouth, you swallow mouthfuls of seawater.  Those times are times when we allowed grief to overtake us, swallowed us into depression, that we lost control of the present.  Grieving for the dead and ignoring those alive is not healthy.  Learn meditation to get out of this zone.  (In reality, I am aware of this but hard to control and I am still learning.)

2020 Lunar New Year, the whole country (with Wunan first) was infected by Covid19 or Corona Virus.  It spread far and wide.  26 March 2020, New Zealand closed its borders and started our lockdown.  We were told to stay home, be safe and be kind.  We could still take walks around the neighborhood for exercise,  Look out for the teddy bears sitting on window sills.  Just something to bring smiles for the young and old.

I would never have written all the facts and the dates and the whole medical record detailing the last month of my beloved daughter’s life if not for being in isolation.  I searched, reflect and finally got the courage to write my findings.

It was hard to ‘open’ up but I just did, putting my thoughts into words, printed out and knowing where to go from here. 

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