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Silently missing both of you every moment.

Crying at times, a release of complicated grief.

Emotionally exhausted and drained.

Not able to touch you or feel your scents,

Till the day we meet again.

From Mummy to Toby and Bom. 
Always loved, never forgotten, forever missed.

The saddest moment is when one who gave you the best memories …… becomes a memory.

My hands won’t let go

29 Dec 2018

You held on to my hand when I was little.  I hugged on to your back as I rode on your motorbike to school each morning for a year and then you bought a car because my younger sister started school too.  We missed you and love you always.

Goodbye In Memory Father Memorial Ornament Angel in Heaven I ...

22 August 2019

Who would let go of their dearest pet dog of ten years, a true companion and best friend.

Toby was my baby.  My hands were stroking him the whole night he passed.

We are not in control of when we come or leave this earth.  We just have to let go.


29 October 2019

It makes no sense why a mother should bury her child.  How could this be?

Judith (aka Bom) left us so suddenly and I held on to her hand until her soul left for heaven.

I am sad and grieving for my loved ones.  I know there are many like me out there too, missing their loved ones forever.  Grief doesn’t get any better in time.  I am still living with a broken heart that still beats as life goes on.

To those who have lost their loved ones, I share a quote below:


Isolation has stripped me ‘open’

Flashback, 2019 was a disastrous year for me and my family and all loved ones.

Then came  2020, a new year, new beginnings. I blogged about 2020 the year of the Rat hoping to make a start towards healing, living and be at peace again.  Our grief and the missing of those we loved will last forever.  Time does not lessen grief.  There will be days where you may just be having a passing thought while other times the minute you opened your eyes, the realization that she will never come back brought tears, agony, and sorrow and made you withdrawn and that could last for days.

The ups and downs of grief are like swimmers swimming with the tides.  At times, the incoming tide may flow calmly.  At other times, it gushes in at you with full force.

Imagine you are having a dip or a swim at the beach and the incoming tide, calmly coming in.  These calm days are when we could think of our beloved daughter, Bom with sweetness and reminiscence the times we shared and forever thankful she was born our daughter.

Contrary to this, the rough sea and incoming tides just keep pushing you out of proportion and you lose your balance in the water.   You need to be calm not to panic but relax lying down in a backstroke position or stay still and keep your head above the waves. The moment you open your mouth, you swallow mouthfuls of seawater.  Those times are times when we allowed grief to overtake us, swallowed us into depression, that we lost control of the present.  Grieving for the dead and ignoring those alive is not healthy.  Learn meditation to get out of this zone.  (In reality, I am aware of this but hard to control and I am still learning.)

2020 Lunar New Year, the whole country (with Wunan first) was infected by Covid19 or Corona Virus.  It spread far and wide.  26 March 2020, New Zealand closed its borders and started our lockdown.  We were told to stay home, be safe and be kind.  We could still take walks around the neighborhood for exercise,  Look out for the teddy bears sitting on window sills.  Just something to bring smiles for the young and old.

I would never have written all the facts and the dates and the whole medical record detailing the last month of my beloved daughter’s life if not for being in isolation.  I searched, reflect and finally got the courage to write my findings.

It was hard to ‘open’ up but I just did, putting my thoughts into words, printed out and knowing where to go from here. 





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